assault

The El Paso Times reports that a man has been "inappropriately grabbing" women near UTEP and that this has been going on for over a year!

We've already discussed our own plan for vigilante justice (it involves walkie-talkies, dressing Fernie in a skirt and some of those Kenyan runners on the UTEP track team).

But before we can proceed, we need to establish a nickname for the assailant. "Jack the Ripper". "The Boston Strangler". "The Coral Gables Cock-Puncher". All of these famous fiends had catchy nicknames. Here are a few suggestions for what we should refer to this local miscreant as...

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Wanted: one new roommate that doesn’t play practical jokes. All dog impersonators need not apply. Cats and cheese lovers welcome.

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In a little over a minute, this guy quickly crushes 22 beer cans using nothing but his forehead. Don’t worry about him killing brain cells, those suckers kicked the bucket right after he chugged that 22 beer.

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William Congreve was right: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and rest assured, she’ll get her revenge — even if she’s on a train at the time.  

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A 46-year-old UK man took a Call Of Duty: Black Ops loss to a 13-year-old boy a little too personally: he found and choked the teen. The Mirror explains how a little online gloating led to a real life attack.

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An Iowa woman was arrested for assaulting her boyfriend after he refused to have sex with her. The Press Citizen explains that Melissa Barbara Minarsich, 28, just needed a little sweet loving and wanted to make that incredibly clear to her boyfriend.

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A 23-year-old guy named Richard King, who was a West Point cadet, has sued Patti LaBelle and her entourage, claiming that her bodyguards savagely beat him outside Bush International Airport in Houston because -- he claims -- he was standing too close to her luggage. He also claims Patti played an active role in the attack.  

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Slash's wife claims she never kicked that porn star Samantha Slopes in the stomach.

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