Little-Known Royal Baby Details Throw Brits Into Frenzy
Straight from England, we have the most updated royal baby news from our on-the-scene reporter, Alan Smythe-Davies.
6:55 p.m–The Duchess of Cambridge arrived here at St. Mary’s Hospital twelve hours ago and has been in labour for nearly four hours. Experts say that this is the only kind of “labour” any member of the Royal Family will ever be expected to do.
6:59 p.m.—Katherine continues to experience very acute labour pains. Moments ago, we were informed, the Duchess referred to her husband, Prince William, as a “wanker”, stressing that she blamed him for “doing this to me”. Moments later, Katherine then called the Prince a “bloody sod”, a “manky git” and several other very British-sounding expressions of contempt.
7:07 p.m.– As her labour pains continue, the Duchess of Cambridge has received a box of Cadbury Dairy Milk Freddos from HRH Queen Elizabeth. Katherine, a favourite of the Queen, is reportedly in good humour despite the pains of labour, and says that receiving the Queen’s gift is a great honour. The candies are chocoulate but there are rumours spread by her neighbour that Katherine actually harbours a preference for other flavours and colours of sweets.
7:08 p.m.–The British Home Secretary has announced that England is experiencing a severe shortage of “U’s” from placing too many of the vowels in words where they have no business being.
7:16 p.m.–The Duchess of Cambridge’s cervical dilation is at 2.2 cm which is lower than average and make make a natural birth difficult. The Minister of Information says that if the baby is born naturally, she will be named Margaret. If the baby is delivered by Cesarian she will be named after her grandmother, Diana, who also didn’t make it through a tunnel.
7:31–Katherine and William’s baby will be 3rd in line to the throne, despite the Duchess being a commoner. In a survey of the British public, 97% of blokes said they don’t mind and would be happy to “commoner” any day.
7:46 p.m.–A member of Katherine and William’s household staff has confirmed that the Duchess will breastfeed.
7:47 p.m.—Everyone who’s ever seen those topless pictures predicts that the baby will probably starve.
7:58 p.m.–Motorists stuck in traffic jam near hospital are angry: “The last time the royal family caused this much of a traffic jam, at least they did it in Paris.”
8:13 p.m– I once had an affair with a member of the royal family. I’m not allowed to talk about it, though, for regal liaisons.
8:16 p.m.–Royal gynecologist Marcus Setchell arrives with sterling silver, diamond encrusted forceps.
8:24 p.m–Buckingham denies Kate will breast-feed. Instead, baby will “be on the public teat, same as all the others”.