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Researchers Say Masturbation Could Save Your Life

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Punchin’ the munchkin may have once been believed to cause blindness and insanity, but a new study suggests that masturbation may actually have a fistful of health benefits.

According to researchers from the University of Sydney, wrestling the old bald headed champ is a fun way to ward off a variety of illness, including cystitis, diabetes and prostate cancer.

Scientist Anthony Santella and Chenoa Cooper say that nearly 94% of men admit to bopping the bologna, while only 85% of women have as much candor about waxing the meat curtains. Shockingly, the two say that chocking the chicken is something that even infants do from time to time while waiting to be born… we call that whacking in the womb.

“For women, masturbation can help prevent cervical infections and urinary tract infections through the process of “tenting,” or the opening of the cervix that occurs as part of the arousal process,” as stated in a recent academic journal called The Conversation. ‘Tenting stretches the cervix, and thus the cervical mucous. This enables fluid circulation, allowing cervical fluids full of bacteria to be flushed out.”

Researchers say that pounding the flounder is also an excellent way to “lower the risk of type-2 diabetes (though this association may also be explained by greater overall health), reduce insomnia through hormonal and tension release, and increase pelvic floor strength through the contractions that happen during orgasm.”

Fisting the old mister is even believed to fight cancer. In fact, some studies indicate that men that have sex more frequently are at a lower risk for developing prostate cancer. This phenomenon is thought to be caused by ejaculation banishing toxins from the prostate gland.

Masturbating on a regular basis can be better for a person’s daily quality of life than prescription medication because researchers say it is “the most convenient method for maximizing orgasms’ – and that people who orgasm regularly have ‘reduced stress, reduced blood pressure, increased self-esteem, and reduced pain.”

Well, rosy palms, what are you waiting for? Go polish the rocket and get yourself healthy!

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