I found the all time greatest video about El Paso. Ever.

I watched it a total of... um, well, a million times because it’s hilarious. Also because I was taking notes on how to make the perfect El Paso rap video. Here’s what you need:

1.  Street Cred - How do you get street cred? Well, as far as this (very) white girl knows, you can get it by watching this video repeatedly. So I should be safe to go down to the Devil’s Triangle now, right?

2. Wife Beaters- Apparently that’s important. If you don’t have a wife beater available, just find your dirtiest, white undershirt.

3. Hydraulics - It’s absolutely essential to put the smallest wheels you can find on your car and pair it with the best hydraulics. Seriously, so take the wheels off your kid’s Big Wheel, stick those on your barely-functioning Cadillac, then slowly drive around in circles behind the rapper. Great for ambiance.

4. Vatos Loco Lyrics - Every great rap video needs mediocre crazy gangster lyrics. Right, guey?

5. Stomach Tattoos - In Ye Olde English font. Make that crap really big, too, so everyone knows what’s up. I’m half-way into my “Hug Life” tattoo. Looks great.

So that’s it. You’re ready to star in your own El Paso rap music video. I’ll also suggest you shout out to Chico’s Tacos since that seems to be the filet mignon of El Paso.