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Petrino Tempted Karma with Bold, Bad Behavior [OPINION]

Twitter/@cbahn

If, for some stupid reason, you ever start thinking you’ve grown too big for karma to reach her arms around you and your reputation, think again, long and hard, and remember the name Bobby Petrino.

I believe what the Good Book teaches, but that doesn’t mean I think the other major faiths of the world have nothing to offer. After seeing Petrino’s story, I’m convinced more than ever that karma is real. She may be Hindu, but she’s big, she’s bad, and if you keep thinking you’re all that and a bag of chips, you will soon smell her hot curry breath all over you.

See, the consensus for years and years has been that Bobby Petrino is a very good football coach, but that he’s kind of an…well, we can’t say it here, but it rhymes with mass mole.

He put Louisville football on the map and helped that program build a stadium, but was always putting his name out there for other bigger jobs, at one point actively flirting with Auburn while still at Louisville — a wonderful move for team-building.

He finally got his step up with the Atlanta Falcons in 2007, but after Michael Vick gave him some Bad Newz, Petrino wrote a short note to his team, quit 13 games into the season and became head coach at the University of Arkansas — which, contrary to what some people might think, is not a mutually exclusive term.

Slowly but surely over the last four seasons, the Hoggies have gotten real, real good. With Petrino’s dynamic offense, some had picked them to win the SEC West over Alabama and LSU this fall.

So, there he was. It had taken him years, but he finally had a BCS conference job that paid him millions, he was winning in the toughest division in the toughest league in college football, he had a beautiful 25-year-old former Arkansas volleyball player as his mistress and he had the Razorbacks primed for a possible BCS Championship run.

Then one day he takes baby doll out for spin on his motorcycle with no helmet, rounds a turn and, BAM! Karma wraps her big-ass bingo wings around him and slaps him right off his bike and into the headlines. You know it’s bad when you’re the subject of one of those Taiwanese animations (for your viewing pleasure, at bottom).

Even after it came out that Petrino tried to hide that baby doll, Jessica Dorrell, was on the bike with him, Arkansas fans were willing to forgive and forget. Hey, it’s not every day that you could win a BCS title, and, let’s face it, the Razorbacks haven’t been relevant since Lou Holtz.

This is Bill Clinton’s home state, after all, and the passenger’s spot on a motorcycle must be called the “bitch seat” for a reason. These Arkansas fans pictured, we understand, were actually riding in support of Petrino.

Twitter/@srainbolt2

Petrino knew all that and thought he was bulletproof. The man’s riding around the countryside on a motorcycle with no helmet, clearly having fun with an athletic female half his age in plain sight. And that’s not all.

See, in all his mass-moliness, Petrino had been making himself unkeepable. Not because he’s a married man cheating on his wife. Petrino’s not the first coach caught with his pants down, nor will he be the last.

But because karma kept her pimp hand strong, suddenly we knew baby doll’s name. When we knew Dorrell’s name, we knew Petrino had hired her just a couple of weeks before to be his Student-Athlete Development Coordinator. (Apparently, SHE was already well-developed.) Here’s the rub — Petrino hired her over 159 other applicants for the job AND gave her a $20,000 gift to start her off.

Because Petrino just had to have her on his — ahem — staff, if Arkansas kept him knowing that he dissed all those other job applicants, all 159 of ‘em could put the sue in Sooey Pig. Suddenly, the $3.5 million Arkansas was paying Petrino looked like pennies in comparison to the class-action F5 legal tornado that would take up the University of Arkansas like it was a double-wide and plant it somewhere deep in the Ozarks. Arkansas HAD to fire him.

And there’s karma, grinding Bobby Petrino into chili powder to use on her big plate of Tandoori Chicken.

 

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