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OPINION: Grumpy Old Man from the 80′s Says 80′s Were Better

clanmagazine.com
Class of '84. Go Bulldogs! Woooo!!

I read on loud wire the other day where Guns N Roses, Red Hot Chili Peppers and The Beastie Boys are all going into the RnR Hall of Fame…well, they got it right for once!! It’s been over 25 years since Licensed to Ill and Appetite for Destruction came out…and it’s been at least that long since Anthony Kiedis shot up some smack under a bridge in Watts and Flea decided to strip down and start wigglin’ around on stage in nothing but his whitey-tighties. Though, if you’ve been to a Chili Peppers show recently you’ll realize Fleas Whitey Tightys are more like Loosey Brownies, now.

The point I’m trying to make is… it’s about Goddamn time!

Back in my day, we didn’t have your Beibers and your Lady Gaga’s…we had Axl Rose wearing spandex bicycle pants and showing up 3 hours late for a concert and then bitchin’ at us because somebody had the nerve throw a paper cup at the stage! But did we complain?? Hell, no! We loved it!  You kids these days with your IPods and your fancy E-Lec-Tronic music downloads and your Skype…oh, life must be pretty sweet. You can get together with your friends pretty much anytime you like, can’t you?!?  Well, back in my day, we had to FiGHT for OUR right to party! That’s right! We weren’t a bunch of molly-coddled namby-pamby pussy-foots back in my day! No sirree! If we were late for class and we didn’t want to go we couldn’t claim we had some made up disease like Cell-phone tumors or carpal tunnel or FIBRO myalgia! No, if we wanted to ditch class and chill to the max with our posse,  we had to ask our mom real nice….PLEASE we say. But she’d still say No!! Then our teacher would preach class like we were some kind of jerks!

Also, we couldn’t get free high-quality pornography like you spoiled whelps today! You kids today can just clickety—clickety-click and in no time you’re rubbing one out to some Miss Universe quality poon with her Beav shaved down cleaner than a whistle and doing things that would make a one-legged Thai hunchback hooker blush. But in my day we didn’t have it so good. When we wanted porn we had to go out and buy it from the convenience store . And it had ads for Spanish fly in it and the girls looked like they’d been drugged. And the girls were so hairy they all looked like they had coconuts in a scissor-lock! And we couldn’t SAVE our porn in a password protected folder or on a flash drive. No sir, Mister! We had to hide our porn under our mattress we’d always have to worry about it being found and coming home one day only to find out our Mom had thrown away our best Porno mag! (Busted!)

And our parents weren’t supportive the way parents are with this generation of little daffodils. Why if I had a nickel for every time my Pops told me he’d kick me out of the house if I didn’t cut my hair…I’d have a..a..a eff-load of nickels, that’s what I’d have!!

Oh, they were simpler times, that’s for sure. G-n-R…Beastie Boys…Red Hot Chili Peppers…how I miss them and the casually homophobic and woman-hating sentiments in their lyrics! Late 80’s and early 90’s…by God, back then men were men who sometimes dressed like ladies and used more hairspray than an entire season of Toddlers and Tiaras. BUT, they still knew that gays were for bashing and whores were for skeezing…MCA in the House!!

Now, if you’ll excuse me…I’m going to go set my DVR to record the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremonies,whenever the hell they are,  make myself a turkey pot pie and kiss my childhood goodbye forever. Hell, in another 20 years they’ll be inducting Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black in the Hall of Fame. And when that happens would somebody be kind enough to go over to my house and clean up the blood-spatter, move my body before the pets start eating me…and  put the top of my skull back on my head so my great grandkids don’t have to find me like that? ‘Preciate it. Bah!

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