Buzz’s 6 Biggest Problems with Iron Man 3
Like millions of others, I went to see Iron Man 3.
It was O.K., but I thought it was the worst of the three.
Here are my 6 biggest problems with IM3. Yes, there will be lots of spoilers, so if you haven’t see it yet go to Scott’s page and check out boobs…
When the Bad Guys Blow Tony Stark’s House to S**t
… nobody’s keeping an eye out for something like that??? Tony Stark just challenged the world’s No. 1 terrorist to come kill him at his home and no one thinks to monitor the airspace off the coast of southern California?? Maybe the CIA or NORAD or LAPD … oh yeah … or how about SHIELD!?!?! Come on, Nick Fury, I can understand the agency has had a setback after Loki’s attack on NYC but don’t you think you can spare a couple agents to make sure attack helicopters aren’t flying in US airspace? For that matter, was Thor too busy being banished from Asgard to hang out and make sure his fellow Avenger wasn’t about to get murdered by helicopters? As a taxpayer, I feel I deserve some answers from Col. Fury.
I may be alone on this, but I thought the switcheroo on the Mandarin was actually kind of creative and unexpected.
It certainly wasn’t what we were sold in any of the trailers for the past 6 months. Every trailer for this movie promised a villain who was malevolent, hateful and murderous. And that’s not what we got. What we got was comic relief. It would be like if Joker had been played by Larry the Cable Guy instead of Heath Ledger.
While we’re on this point, another thing that’s bothered me for a while …
Can anybody remember the last time that a villain who terrorizes America by blowing stuff up turns out to actually be a … how can I say this … it rhymes with “Buslim Badical”? Seriously, other than Zero Dark Thirty, when does the bad guy actually turn out to be an Islamic terrorist? They can be white supremacists, or Russian mobsters o, in the case of You Don’t Mess with the Zohan, crooked real estate developers. Even in Iron Man 1, although Tony Stark is kidnapped by middle-eastern types, the real bad guy turns out to be Obediah Stane, Stark’s mentor and evil American capitalist. All I’m saying is, if you judged by Hollywood films, Muslim extremists are the least likely people in the world to set bombs off. Yes, True Lies, I know, but that was almost twenty years ago. Funny, but now that I’m thinking about it American Muslim groups were outraged by the portrayal of the villains in True Lies , which came out well before 9/11 and they only destroyed one office building in that movie.
I Paid to See Iron Man 3 …
… not Tony Stark with a Potato Gun 3. In The Avengers, Iron Man took a direct punch from the Hulk, got sucked into the Helicarrier’s giant fan and escaped from an inter-dimensional worm-hole. And his suit still worked! In this movie, that suit is falling apart like a ’96 Ford Taurus on a gravel road. Since when does Iron Man get knocked off an 18-foot cat-walk and Tony has to eject to safety like he’s a French fighter pilot???
The Army of Iron Men
OK, big battle scene. Superhuman road flares are about to kill the president. Tony Stark and Rhody are both sans armor. Suddenly, every Iron Man suit Tony ever designed is activated and come flying in to do battle with the non-Muslim terrorists.
So, why do you need Iron Man anymore. The auto-pilot Iron Men are just as good in a fight as the original. If anything, they’re better because without a person inside the suits can disassemble, turn their components into projectiles and reassemble again. Also, the world’s greatest genius inventor won’t get killed when Guy Pearce slices his armor in two with his hand, which is now something that can happen with this new-and-vastly-shittier Iron Man armor.
And then … THEN … when the bad guys are finally defeated, Tony Stark makes all the Iron Man suits self-destruct???!!!?? Uh, Tony, didn’t you just spend the entire movie establishing that you can’t sleep and you have PTSD because of your ordeal fighting aliens in New York City? Are you going to sleep any better knowing that if the aliens come back, you’ll be even less powerful than Hawkeye because you just destroyed all your Iron Man suits?? Or how about if you didn’t kill all of the nearly-indestructible superhumans that you just finished fighting 30 seconds ago??? Did you think of that? And don’t bother arguing that Tony Stark can build a new suit as soon as the need arises because Tony himself said that the aliens could return to finish the job tomorrow!!! And you’re sitting on a burning ship with zero Iron Man suits and a laboratory that’s resting on the bottom of the ocean!!
The Villains Can Keep Their Scheme a Secret from SHIELD …
… the FBI, the CIA, the NSA and yet their entire plot is an open book to low-level functionaries, hired henchmen, and prostitutes?? The Mandarin has one of the most famous faces in the world (remember, you hi-jacked every TV set in America?) and yet he’s being minded by passed-out hookers and guns-for-hire that admit to Tony Stark that they don’t actually like their employers.
By the way, this is why most real-world conspiracy theories fail to hold any water. Any plot that requires more than 3 people is going to get blabbed to the world.
Gwyneth Paltrow is the World’s Most Beautiful Woman?
Please. She’s easy enough on the eyes but she’s not even the Most Beautiful Woman in Any Given Iron Man movie.