Buzz was trying to get some credit for Duke’s post about monkeys on the Morning Show this morning. His argument was, “I got bit. I think I should get at least half credit for the post!” Watching him get bit, which is right around the 11-minute mark on this video, made me laugh harder than I have all year. For that, I told him he could co-write this post of scary fictional diseases he could’ve contracted today.

  • 7

    Apes-perger’s Syndrome

    Asperger’s, a high-functioning form of Autism, is much different than the newly-discovered apes-pergers. Instead of being really good at math, Buzz will now be high-functioning at flinging poop.

  • 6

    Chimpan- C

    This one is like Hepatitis C, but you don’t have to sleep with Tommy Lee to get it.

  • 5

    Baboon-ic Plague

    You’ll wish the Black Death was upon you when you find out you’ve got Baboon-ic Plague. Your butt swells to a size so large even Kim Kardashian is jealous. At least you’ll be the apple of some rapper’s eye.

    flickr-me and the sysop
  • 4


    So apparently this is a real thing! Who knew?! Instead of getting little red dots all over, do you have an urge to pick bugs from other people’s heads?

  • 3


    It’s like Prostatitis, which is when your prostate is gets inflamed, but since Buzz thinks he’s got bigger balls than anyone else, this condition actually just brings him back to reality. 

    flickr-this screen name is taken
  • 2


    Gorilla-rrhea, a much more severe form of gonorrhea. Not to be confused with Gorilla-rrhea B, which is a more severe form of diarrhea in which the patients feels as if he just crapped a gorrilla. 

    flickr- Corey Leopold
  • 1

    Monk-ular Dystrophy

    Monk-ular Dystrophy weakens the muscles in your back, causing you to drag your knuckles on the ground. Sadly, there’s no Jerry Lewis telethon for this ailment.