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“If This Shiite Goes Down, Ayatollah You So”: Duke Keith’s Fatwa on Iran [OPINION]

Keivan, Getty Images/Central Press, The Hulton Archive

Everyone desires something. Venti mocha frappuccinos. A new car. Rendition to non-Geneva Convention countries. Salma Hayek.

But before you give in, to get what you truly want and not feel guilty about it later you have to do something first. You have to give yourself permission.

I’m ready, Salma.

Of course, it’s more difficult when nations want to give themselves permission to do something. Somebody usually has to rule on a law or pass a new one – harder in some countries than it is in others.

In America, making that happen means working through a jumbled mess of checks and balances between three branches of government, all threaded together by a pesky Constitution that guarantees everyone has a voice, so, boy, does it get loud here sometimes!

In Iran, the process is much more streamlined. Iran’s supreme leader, the Grand Ayatollah, talks to God, then lets everyone else know how things are going to work, like if Pat Robertson had a scepter. Easy peasy.

New Jew Legal Review

Recently, the Grand Ayatollah Khamenei — whose name sounds a lot like the Grand Ayatollah Khomeini, the guy in charge during the hostage crisis, but who bought a different vowel — issued a decree that is making headlines around the world. It gives permission for Iran to legally blow up Israel and kill Jews everywhere.

Because you can’t just do that. You have to have the legal approval and, in Iran’s case, permission from God to do that.

Well, according to Ayatollah Khamenei…permission granted, Iran! Woo-hoo! Read the last link — not only is it now an Iranian right to kill Jews, it is an Iranian necessity.

Legalized Jew-hating is nothing new. In 1935, the Nuremberg Laws organized Germany’s persecution of Jews, which, up to that point, had just been random acts of violence — a gang-beating here, a store-looting there. A different lark every night of the week for many a thrill-seeking Brownshirt, for sure.

For Nazis, the Nuremberg Laws might have taken the random fun out of tormenting Jews; but give them credit, they really organized and streamlined the process. It turned “if” into “when”, and legally greased the wheels for those midnight trains to Auschwitz.

I WANT my mahdi

So, you see what the Iranians are doing, here? This ruling is Iran’s Nuremberg Law, something the Grand Ayatollah and his gang believe will lead to a new Age of the Shit…sorry. I should be careful, here: Age of the Shiite, Shiite being the largest denomination of Islam in Iran.

This Age of Shiite will be a time of bliss where the Shiite will hit the fan and spread across the earth.

Shiite bliss is so much less practical than Nazi bliss, though. The Shiites want to kill Jews because they believe this will summon the Imam Mahdi, the Caliph, who will rule over all with sharia justice. The Nazis just wanted to kill Jews so the world would be rid of Jews. Like a grouchy neighbor who doesn’t want you around, but with legal permission to murder you, steal your stuff and keep it in a Swiss bank vault. Sure, it’s murder, but you kind of get it because who likes their neighbors, really?

In Iran, it’s different. Iran isn’t Israel’s neighbor at all, it’s three countries removed. But Iran hates Israel and Jews with a crazy passion. Israel is the power in their region. Iran wants what Israel has, and its leaders believe they can force the Imam Mahdi’s return if they bump off the Jews.

Who is the Imam Mahdi? Why, only the coolest prophet ever to don a turban and sing a call to prayer Mariah Carey-style. You should know he’s already here, by the way. Has been since the Middle Ages, just hanging out and not aging while he awaits his time to rule. The Mahdi is the Shit messiah…Shiite messiah. Jeezh! And since there aren’t many Shiites, relatively speaking, being their messiah would probably be a cool gig without that much of a flock to tend.

Most Muslims are Sunni, so, putting it in a Christian perspective, Sunni would be CatholicShiite, on the other hand, would be like the Assemblies of God, and Iranian Shiite would be the snake-handlers’ church, whatever that’s called.

No one really trusts Iranian Shiites, not even neighboring Iraqi Shiites. But it’s all a matter of perspective. To-MAY-to, to-MAH-to. From “We hate Jews” to “All Jews must be wiped from the face of the earth with nuclear weapons.”

know nukes

Ah yes, the nukes. It’s the part of beating the dust out of this Persian rug that makes it really interesting!

Recently, Iran blasted a Safir rocket into space to place a satellite in orbit a couple of years before anybody thought they could. This means Iran has an Inter-Continental Ballistic Missile, or HOLY SHIITE! for short.

The experts also said it would be 2013 at the earliest before Iran could make a nuclear weapon. So, if the experts were off by two years on the ICBM…

HOLY SHIITE!

Now, not all Iranians want to start a war. It’s probably safe to say most regular Iranians don’t, seeing as how Iran came oh-so-close to revolution three years ago.

Interestingly, the men behind the Islamic Revolution of 1979 are reaping what they sowed, including Khamenei. They threw out the Shah and created a country that still nurtured advanced science and education abroad, in part so they could have scientists who could blow Shiite up like all the other big countries. But it kind of backfired because bright people tend to want to be around other bright people. For some reason, these next-gen ingrates aren’t going for forced state religion and stories about the Imam Mahdi. They’d rather have a Starbucks in a mall.

Maybe, as more people in Iran see that their Grand Ayatollah is a little off in his own worldview, they might start making noise again. You have to hope so. The last thing anyone wants is for something to happen, then, when it ends badly, 80 years down the line everyone’s dealing with a nation that could’ve done more to stop the madness but didn’t, gets really defensive about it, then starts whining that nobody remembers the good things their old dictator did, like building freeways and creating a popular car company.

That said, how close is Iran to fulfilling its own prophecies?

Consider history. The Nuremberg Laws came after a long build up in persecution. Nazi Germany faked a Polish attack to justify its invasion of Poland in 1939, starting World War II, after years of stockpiling weapons and ammo. Japan’s Declaration of War on the United States in 1941 came after Japan had already sent its fleet to bomb Pearl Harbor. The United States’ resolution to go to war in Afghanistan took just three weeks to bear fruit.

Every time, with every nation, giving itself permission was the LAST thing it did before the Shiite started.

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