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COUNTERPOINT — Dear Media — Reporting on Trump’s Steak Preferences is Not Helping Your Cause

If your Facebook looks anything like mine, you probably saw this all over your page today. Why?

(Before we go any further, I hate Donald Trump. I don’t want you to be confused about where I’m going with this.)

Well, we KNOW why already, don’t we? The internet has to drive those pageviews. It’s the business we’re in. Believe me, I know this idea very intimately. So, when Donald Trump does something unlikeable, media sites are tripping over themselves to pour the story over your Facebook feed like a jar full of warm honey.

And then, at the same time, every carpal-tunneled word merchant in America is moaning about “fake news” and “alternative facts.” Trump’s hockey puck of a steak is neither of those things — insofar as it is provably true. BUT the only reason this story is a “story,” is because beating up on Donald Trump is … fun.

Watch:  “Shut the f**k up, Donnie!” Holy crap, that was fun for me.

But it’s really hard to splash Donald Trump’s culinary choices on your front page and then expect everyone to take you seriously when you have real news to report. You’re peeing in your own well there, Bucky. It’s not “fake news.” It’s just not news … at all.

“TAKE US SERIOUSLY, TAKE US SERIOUSLY! Oh, wait — the president wore mismatched socks today! WHEEEE!”

Now, do I personally enjoy seeing Mr. Trump humiliated? Yeah, man, I really friggin’ do. And there are definitely “media” outlets where that stuff makes some sort of sense. This site, for instance, is not exactly a stronghold of hard-bitten journalistic integrity. We can do this and sleep at night. Nobody anywhere really cares what we have to say. Most of us can’t even spell “stronghold.” We think farts are super-duper funny. Some of our people snort Carolina reaper pepper powder because they lost a bet.

So up above there, I can give Gizmodo a break. (Kinda. Aren’t you guys supposed to be about tech ‘n stuff?)

But what about the media outlets that friggin’ MATTER?

Great job, Woodward and Bernstein. GOLD STAR!

Sure, you can justify this any way you want to. “Oh, knowing the president’s childish preferences in chewy future turds is an incredibly helpful insight to his psyche!” one could argue. I mean, I don’t know WHY you’d argue that. But, yeah, you could.

But while everyone is tripping over their own hard-ons to get the story out there, Trump and his cronies are taking turns rubbing their bare buttholes on the U.S. Constitution. You guys remember what happened to the boy who cried WOLF, right? That’s exactly right — he liked his steaks burnt to a crisp.

No, wait. That wasn’t what happened. He got eaten in the damn face. DONALD TRUMP IS GOING TO EAT US IN THE DAMN FACE AND YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT HEINZ.

I don’t care if you agree with me. It’s my American right to say inflammatory things on the internet and then run and hide and never have to answer for them. But you can’t say I used my forum here for something stupid. That’s more than I can say for a lot of news outlets today.

NEXT: OMG -- Did Y'all Hear How Donald Trump Likes to Ruin Steaks?!

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