‘American Idol’ Rant From Cranky Old Man (Buzz) From The 80s
So “American Idol” is about to crown a winner. Whoop-di-friggin do! I hate “American Idol. “A bunch a clean cut boys and girls with the occasional bearded dreadlock freak, some punked-out pierced butch and the token fat kid.
You know what some punk 22-year-old at work told me the other day? “Hey, you should like ‘American Idol.’ All the judges are from the eighties.”
If I wanted to look at Paula Abdul I wouldn’t want to see the sad, medicated road map of crows feet she is now. I’d like to look at her back in the 80s, when she was cute and pert and dancing with an animated cat.
And Steven Tyler … are kidding me?!? I guess it’s always sad when your heroes get old. But there’s a whole other level of humiliation when your hero starts to look like if Carly Simon suddenly became a bag-lady and started wandering around hitting on teenagers. Sure, he always looked like a chick, even back in the 80s. But at least he looked like a young chick. Can’t you punks see the difference?!? There are two Aereosmiths. There is Aeromith of the 80s and the post oh-I’ve-been-reunited-with-my-long-lost-daughter-don’t we-look-just-alike-MichaelBay-friggin-Armageddon Aerosmith. I like the 80s version better an so does anyone old enough to have the least lick of damn sense.
And I haven’t forgotten about Randy Jackson. It took me three years to figure out he’s not Michael Jackson’s brother, but when I did I was surprisingly impressed. Randy Jackson played with some of the great acts of the 1980s…Richard Marx, Journey, Bruce Springsteen … not bad! However, there is a sad fact of Rock and Roll coolness. You can have your own brand of eyeglass frames at Wal-Mart and retain a shred of coolness. You can also do commercials for Weight Watchers and hang on to the tiniest molecule of cool.
You can not do both. Sorry, Dawg, I don’t make the rules.
‘Friday Night Video Fights’ > ‘American Idol’
Plus we had something better than “American Idol.” Back in the 80s, we had the “Friday Night Video Fights” on MTV! Sweet Su-Su-Sussudio, now THAT was a musical popularity contest!
They’d take two videos like ZZ Top’s Legs and you play it and then it would face a challenger like Def Leppard’s Rock of Ages. They’d play both videos then you would get to call in to pick a winner. And you didn’t have to wait til goddammed Thursday to the get the results!! You got only two hours to cast your vote. Ten minutes after that you got your winner. And remember, we couldn’t text our answer or log on to our Commodore 64s to vote.
In the Good ‘Ol Days
Back in those days, if you wanted to vote for “Friday Night Video Fights,” you would have to have your mom call for you and you would have to spend $2.95 per call. Mind you, back then you could buy four candy bars for a dollar so we’re talking real money. In the Good Ol’ Days you could buy an ounce of gold for 300 bucks. That’s why everybody wore gold chains back then. Because gold wasn’t much more expensive than making a phone call!! Mr. T. wasn’t all that rich. He just never stayed up for “Friday Night Video Fights” and instead rolled that money over into solid gold man hole covers to wear around his neck!
“Friday Night Videos Fights.” I saw all the great ones, you know. I was there when Wild Boys won and beat Come On Feel the Noise. I was there when Photograph lost a heartbreaker to Hot For Teacher. Those were the memories I cherish.
So you can have your “The Voice,” “Duets,” “X-Factor,” the Susan Boyle’s new hit show “Swamp Mutants who can Just Happen to Sing Show Tunes,” or the No. 1 show in America — “American Idol.” Well, I don’t need it and I don’t want it. may not be able to watch “Friday Night Video Fights” but by God, I can do the next best thing — make a bowl of Chef Boyardee Ravioli and watch my laser-disc copy of Lady Hawk and drink whiskey until I pass out and hopefully wake up in 1984 through some weird “Hot Tub Time Machine” style temporal worm-hole. Or die trying.
Because I’m a Cranky Old Man from the 80s.