Gambling on sports is as American as stopping at a car accident to take cell-phone pictures. If you’re like me (cynical and without joy) then you know that it is only through the magic of gambling that you can truly muster up any excitement for any sporting event. Did I really care who won the Super Bowl? Absolutely not. But, if I place a bet … even a measly 10 or 20 spot … suddenly the game takes on a whole new dimension of excitement. I have a vested interest in the outcome of this contest where multimillionaires man-handle each other for four hours and then afterward go out to celebrate by doing lines of Bolivia Go-Powder off the asses of $1,000-an-hour hookers. Truly caring about the game is like being a child again.

You can make a friendly bet with a friend. If you take your wagering more seriously, you may even employ the services of a person called a “bookmaker.”

But, if you’re a truly degenerate gambler then you need to know about this website called bovada.lv . They have all the usual betting propositions such as who’s going to win and how many yards Brady will pass for. They also have more unusual prop like these:

Or this ...

Those are all actually bets you could have made. How they could prevent Kelly Clarkson from calling up all her friends and saying, “I’m going to wear a Colts Jersey. Take everything you have out of the bank and put it down at 15-1” I’ve no idea.

Here are a few of the betting lines I’d would have liked to see:

 

PROPOSITION: Madonna will wear a sleeveless outfit and will have more muscular biceps than Wes Welker.  ODDS: (2-1)

PROPOSTION: Who will Kim Kardashian start dating on Monday? ODDS: Ahmad Bradshaw (3-1), Brandon Jacobs (4-1), Benjarvus Green-Ellis (10-1), Eli Manning (74,652 to 1)

PROPOSITION: If you invite a Raiders fan to your party he will wear a Tasmanian Devil in a Raider Helmet T-shirt. He will also steal your stereo. ODDS: (7/5)

PROPOSITION: By the start of the game, Eli Manning will still not have learned how to breathe with his mouth closed. ODDS: (50-1)

PROPOSITION: During the game, Giants Coach Tom Coughlin’s face will finally turn redder than his challenge flag. ODDS: (12-1)

PROPOSITION: In his jail cell, Jerry Sandusky will “rub one out” while watching the Pass Punt and kick competition. ODDS: ( 1-3)

Hope you found luck with your wagering and get in touch if you’re interested in taking me up on some of that Eli-mouth-breathing action for next year.