Buzz Hates All YouTube Videos [RANT]

Here’s an oxymoron for our time: 'YouTube Celebrity.' If you were a real celebrity, you wouldn’t be on YouTube. You don’t see Meryl Streep making videos of herself playing Skyrim. If a YouTube 'celebrity' ever did make the cross-over to television or movies, you can bet they wouldn’t be putting much of their effort into screaming at a webcam and making weird faces.

One of these 'celebrities,' Nicole Arbour, made a video about how shaming fat people is a good thing.  People got upset and YouTube suspended her and then she invoked her First Amendment rights (which wouldn’t apply in this case anyway) and YouTube unsuspended her:

I’m not at all offended by the fat hate-speech. As a fat guy, she probably has a point. But that’s not what I hate about YouTube.

I hate the style all … and it really does seem like ALL … YouTube videos are shot in. It’s a combination of yelling, pantomime and jump cuts. That style was annoying when Laff In did it. Maybe it will help if I write my column today in the style of a popular YouTube video.

Camera does head and shoulder shot of Buzz in front of a nondescript wall. Buzz is wearing a low-cut blouse. Also, he now has a boob job. Buzz yells into camera.

“Hello, YouTube! Today I want to talk about why YouTube videos are annoying!”

Jump cut to diagonal shot of Buzz making tortured face into camera.

“Oh NO! I’m making a YouTube video criticizing YouTube videos!”

Jump cut to black and white shot of Buzz, in character.

“Hey! I’m the YouTube CEO! If you do this video, we’re going to find you and tie you to a chair and force you to watch every Minecraft commentary video ever made!”

Jump cut to EXTREME close-up of Buzz screaming in mock horror.

“NOOOO! NOT STAMPY LONGNOSE!!! ANYTHING BUT THAT!”

Jump cut to Buzz, suddenly calm and subdued.

“Ok, so I guess my main issue with YouTube celebrities is that their videos all … look …exactly ...”

Jump cut to Buzz picking up sentence from a slightly different position. Because YouTubers can’t say a full sentence in one take or something.

“… the same!”

Jump cut to Buzz suddenly shrieking and slapping his head like Curly from the 3 Stooges.

Jump cut back to once-again-calm Buzz except with a sepia filter.

“I don’t know why everything has to be read in an abrasive tone like a meth addict who suddenly had to give a commencement speech.”

Jump cut to Buzz wearing gown and mortar board. Pomp and Circumstance plays.

“Students of the class of 2015 … BLAGIDEWARYLTHWLYYY!!!!”

Back to sepia tone Buzz

“I also don’t know why...”

Jump cut

“...there…”

Jump cut

“...have...”

Jump cut

“...to..."

Jump cut

“...be so MANY JUMP CUTS!”

Jump cut to black and white Buzz, in character.

“Hey, I’m a popular YouTube celebrity! What do you expect me to do? Memorize a script?”

Jump cut to full-color Buzz

“YEAH! Memorize an effing script, you hack. Or, short of that, develop a little bit of comedic timing so you don’t have to edit your “rant” like it’s the hallucination scene from Natural Born Killers!”

Jump cut, Buzz, Black and white, in character.

“Right! Like I’m going to worry about timing. My viewers have the attention span of mayflies. MAYFLIES!! If I don’t …”

Jump cut to Buzz, black and white, in character from a slightly different angle.

“… have a jump cut every five seconds, they’re going to go watch ear-wax extractions. Then who’s gonna pay for my boob job and my eye-widening surgery?”

Jump cut to Buzz looking puzzled.

“Eye-widening surgery … and I thought the boob job was all I needed. Huh.”

Jump cut to Buzz in Carmen Miranda style fruit hat playing a tennis racquet like a ukulele.

“PEACE OUT, BITCHES! Hashtag get a second camera hashtag this will look SO dated in five years! Hit me up on Friendster!”