50 Shades of Gay: 3 Most Hilariously Retarded Things Fernie Said Today

Many people accuse our intern, Fernando Cuevas, of "faking" his whole dumb "act".   I swear to you he is not.  Fernie is like a puppy that has been given an orbital lobotomy: friendly, sincere, unable to hold a thought for longer than 4 seconds, and eager for any bone put in front of him.  Here are my favorite Ferntarded moments from today's show. Where possible, I will try to explain what Fernie was trying to say.

1.) "There's an Elephant skeleton up on transmountain road"

After several helpful calls and e-mails from listeners, we were able to figure out that there is a rock formation that is supposed to resemble and elephant.

As near as I can figure, at some point, Fernie heard someone say that there was an "Elephant" on Transmountain. Naturally, he assumed there was a decaying, sun-bleached elephant skeleton lying somewhere in the Franklins.

2.) "Didn't Noah's Ark Sink"

We were talking about Baywatch star Donna D'Errico who was injured while (I'm not making this up) searching for Noah's Ark on Mount Ararat in Turkey.

Fernie was familiar with the Noah story but was somehow under the impression that the Ark sank, as he put it, "Just like the Titanic", killing everyone and everything on board.

Encouragingly, it took only three minutes to make Fernie understand that it would have made no sense if every single person and animal perished in the Deluge. The idea of  a breeding population consisting of only two of each species, however...totally reasonable.

3.) "I've never had any of the fried foods they serve at a state fair"

This observational gem came as we were talking about the Obama's visiting the Iowa State Fair and the public shaming the President received from his wife, the ever-increasingly killjoy food-Nazi Michelle, for having eaten a fried twinkie.

"Fernie", I inquired, "have you ever been to a State Fair?"

"No, but I've driven past one before."

" So, to be clear, you've never had food from an event you've never been to?"

"Right."

"I'm going out on a limb here, but I'm guessing you've also never ridden any of the rides at a State Fair?"

"Ummm...I don't think so."

As I said at the beginning of this post, none of this is an act. I can, however, understand how some of you might find that hard to believe.