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3 Winter Olympic “Sports” that Aren’t Sports for Very Specific Reasons

We can go back and forth over what constitutes an actual sport (football, basketball) and what counts only as a pastime (golf, bowling) or as operating a machine (NASCAR).  Save your breath, NASCAR fans.

You can argue all day that NASCAR is something that I’m not able to do ergo it must be a sport, and I’ll continue to remind you that I also can’t fold a fitted sheet, either, but I don’t see that as a reason for my maid to start training for Rio.

Today, though, I want to talk in specifics. Specifically, which Winter Games I feel fall short of sporthood…and, for very specific reasons.

1.) Curling

This is the one that resembles bowling, except with a giant tea kettle and two guys with brooms clearing a path for it. Surely, Curling was invented by isolated Eskimos who saw some Arctic explorer’s photos of his bowling league and decided they wanted to recreate it using supplies they had readily at hand. But this isn’t the main reason I don’t accept Curling as a sport.

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THE VERY SPECIFIC REASON IT’S NOT A REAL SPORT:

Curling has a lot of quirky rules. Players call their own fouls, even in the Olympics; celebrating a good shot is considered rude; and conceding a match (known in real sports as “being a quitter) is considered a virtue. The quirkiest rule of all, though, is the one that requires the winners to buy the losers a round of beers.

That’s right. Even in the Olympics, the official rules of the World Curling Federation require the winning team to buy the losing team a round of drinks.

Can you imagine Russell Wilson being required to take Peyton Manning out after the Super Bowl for a frosty brew? Sorry, Curling. This rule may be fine for Thursday Night Bowling league or for a Darts Tournament at TGI Fridays. In a REAL sport, however, this kind of rule does not belong.

2.) FIGURE SKATING

One of it’s events is even called “Ice Dancing”. You don’t call football “Grass Dancing” or boxing “Canvas Waltzing”. Because, every kind of skating that isn’t a race or hockey actually IS dancing. But my strongest objection to figure skating is much more specific.

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THE VERY SPECIFIC REASON IT’S NOT A REAL SPORT

The team make-up artist…the MAKE-UP ARTIST… is considered a coach…and is awarded a medal along with the other coaches.

Think how silly this is for a moment.

“In Nagano I got a bronze for lipstick and a silver in eye-shadow.”

3.) THE BIATHLON

This event combines skiing and shooting. First, you ski for awhile. Then, you stop skiing and shoot a rifle. I know, I know…this sounds completely freaking awesome! I wish we had other combination sports, like high-dive fencing or pommel horse boxing. So, obviously, there’s some other reason I discount the Biathlon.

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THE VERY SPECIFIC REASON IT’S NOT A REAL SPORT

The Biathlon is the only Olympic Winter Game in which the US has never…never…won a medal. Now, obviously, if the United Damned States can’t or, more likely, won’t win a medal, then it can’t be much of a sport. Here in America our Olympians are athletes, not Bond villain henchmen in training.

 

 

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