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16 Reasons You Suck at Your Job

Working in an office
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When you were little you may have been like millions of other kids who dreamed of becoming an astronaut.

Well, 20 years later, you wake up to find NASA isn’t exactly rushing to hire someone who could barely muster a ‘C’ in pre-algebra, so you’re stuck in your current job.

Your career path may have taken more curves than a trendy road in the Hollywood Hills, but can that really explain why you aren’t employee of the month material? We think not. Here’s a look at some more realistic reasons you aren’t good at what you do:

1. You’re too busy doing three other jobs from people who were laid off, but never replaced.

2. Your last name is Schrute and you’re thisclose to snapping the next time someone calls you ‘Dwight.’

3. It’s hard to get motivated when the intern who started the same day as you is now senior VP.

4. It’s tough to do a good job when your boss keeps calling you Janet. And your name is Roger.

5. You just want to fit in with the rest of your teammates on the Indianapolis Colts.

6. You spend too much time trying to figure out the algorithm to determine just how many movies there are between the ‘Fast and Furious’ and ‘Final Destination’ franchises.

7. Hey, you have a job, so you’d better start getting good at it. In this economy, you should be grateful that someone hired you.

8. You’re a lollipop flavor tester. You’d better suck.

9. What’s the point of doing a good job? If you do it well, you’ll get promoted, move to a bigger office and get a raise before you’re fired for making too much.

10. By law, you have to suck at your job. If you want to work at the DMV, you have to play by their rules.

11. You don’t want to do well because you need to keep the focus on your real job — getting in the zone to record the perfect demo so your band will be signed.

12. The Internet. Maybe if you spent more time on your work and less on reading lists like this, you’d be in upper management already.

13. The Internet, Part Two. With all the time you invested tinkering with your fantasy football team, shouldn’t you have done better than 12th place?

14. You work for your dad. No matter how bad an employee you are, it’s still only a matter of time before you’re in charge.

15. You work in customer service and are not too happy about being forced to move to India.

16. You passed out from the stench when you opened the office fridge. Who left half and half in there that expired in 2008?

Drew Weisholtz is a funny guy. Unless you didn’t like this, in which case he’s simply using a pseudonym. He’s written for ABC and other online outlets and does standup comedy in front of actual people. You can follow him on Twitter @undrstoodgenius.

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